Planning an Interfaith Wedding Ceremony

Have an open, honest discussion about the ceremony options and make sure you’re on the same page. Do you want to write your own vows or use one of the options provided by the officiant? Are there particular prayers or rituals from your respective faiths that you want to incorporate into the service? Remember that some compromise is necessary.

Embrace both religions equally and not as an afterthought, advises Rev. Linda Tarry-Chard, associate minister, membership-care-parish life at The Riverside Church in New York City. She encourages couples to introduce something into the ceremony that is part of their individual cultures or traditions. Talk to others who have been through an interfaith marriage and take something away from their experience, adds Tarry-Chard. And don’t get stuck on one area such as religion. Think about other differences—economic, age, ethnicity, and cultural—that may bring tension to a marriage. Also address any potential disapproval from family members.

Call several officiants. In addition to checking availability, chat about your needs and get a feel for whether the person is right for your wedding. Try to narrow your choice through these phone calls.

Discuss fees. While they vary widely by type of officiant and regional differences, the general range is $250 to $1200. Expect higher fees in large metropolitan areas.

Plan on at least a two-hour initial meeting with the officiant. In addition to basic information about you and your fiancé and your respective backgrounds, the officiant needs to get a sense of your vision for the ceremony.

Be open about your preferences. For example, some couples want the officiant to include a personal address on love and marriage, while others prefer a “short and sweet” approach, with a simple exchange of vows and rings. The meeting is also a good indicator of the officiant’s speaking style. Ask yourself whether you can picture the person conducting the ceremony in front of the wedding congregation. If not, you may need to consider someone else.

Gerald Fierst, a civil celebrant in Montclair, NJ, advises couples to hire an officiant with whom they feel an emotional connection—someone who will listen to them and give them the ceremony they want. Decide what is meaningful for you, including stories and references to loved ones. Those are the things that make a ceremony.

Once you make your choice, be prepared to sign a contact and make a deposit. Some officiants want half of the fee in advance.

The officiant should help you design a ceremony that is tailor-made for you and blends elements from both faiths and traditions. This includes furnishing sample prayers, readings and poems for your review. Or you may want to choose personal favorites that have special significance to you and your fiancé. Consider asking a close friend or family member to participate in the ceremony by giving a reading or reciting a prayer.

Perhaps you have children from a previous marriage and want to give them a role in the ceremony. Younger children can present the rings, while older children can do a short reading. If mothers or fathers of the bride and groom are deceased, you can honor them by mentioning their names during the ceremony and asking siblings represent them in lighting a unity candle. Check wedding sites such as http://www.theknot.com or http://www.onewed.com for ideas.

In planning wedding ceremonies, Fierst reflects on couples’ own stories, shared lives and depth of feelings that has brought them together. Kelly Hilton, a wedding officiant in Baltimore, MD, suggests using elements that create “silent symbolism.” For example, she explains, when a father walks his daughter into the wedding venue and the groom steps down the aisle to greet them before he and the bride proceed to the officiant, it signifies the couple coming into the marriage as adults rather than a parent ‘giving away’ the daughter. Or perhaps you want to give roses to the mother of the bride and groom. While no words are spoken, wedding guests respond to these gestures and understand their deeper meaning, Hilton notes.

The officiant should send you a draft of the ceremony at least a couple of weeks before the wedding. Feel free to make changes. Generally, you can work via phone and e-mail to finalize the draft.

This ensures the actual ceremony runs smoothly and reduces the chances for last-minute glitches. Hilton recommends paying for the minister to attend a rehearsal if more than two people are in the bridal party. After a comfortable rehearsal, she says, you’ll be able to hear the words instead of just the blood rushing through your head during the ceremony. Check on any extra fees. Some officiants charge an extra $100 to $200 to attend a rehearsal. Remember to invite the officiant and his or her spouse to the rehearsal dinner. It’s a nice gesture that shows your appreciation.

You’ve done the necessary work to make the wedding a truly personal reflection of you and your fiancé. Now let the ceremony unfold and delight in every word that is spoken. This is your day — the beginning of a beautiful life together. Celebrate your love.