by Catherine Fox
Every day our pets give us unconditional love. They're always glad to see us and share our lives. And then one day they are gone. The intensity of the loss and grief often blindsides people.
When you lose a pet, it's time to take care of yourself. Everyone responds to loss differently. You may feel listless or upset. You may be weepy and despondent, and feel unable to get through the day. You might expect the animal to run to you when you open the door or notice the emptiness where the food dish once stood. You find yourself missing that joyful and comforting companionship. And you miss that connection to the past.
Often, our pets are a touchstone to important chapters of our lives. Maybe you got your bird when you moved into your first apartment, and that bird saw you through your 20s as you built your life. Maybe your dog came to you when your kids were babies and grew with them through milestones — from crawling to walking to driving. Perhaps you and your horse learned to compete together at events and in life. Those memories come flooding back, bringing joy, but also sadness.
You're left with a hole in your life and a hole in your heart. In addition to loss and grief, you may feel anger or guilt. If your pet died of an accident or illness, you might think you should have done more and become angry with yourself. Or you might feel guilty that grief is touching your life so much, especially if someone says something thoughtless to you, like, "What's your problem? It was only an animal, get over it."
Know that your feelings are real and legitimate. The downer can last days, weeks or months. Remembering that grief is a process can help you hold on until you feel better. You never stop missing your pet, but you can learn to accept and cope and move on.
Five Things You Can Do to Feel Better
- Give yourself permission to grieve; you've lost a family member.
- Talk to friends about your pet; reminiscing is good for the soul.
- Fill in the routine time you used to spend with your pet so those hours aren't as empty.
- Write a note or poem to your pet to get your feelings out.
- Get a book on grieving at the library.
Still not better? The loss of a pet is one of life's big traumas. If you find that your emotions aren't ebbing and your daily life is affected for a long period, seek a grief counselor. Ask your veterinarian, humane society, primary care doctor, or priest or minister for referrals. If you can, see someone who specializes in pet loss; they may offer support groups to ease you through this trying time.
Helping Others Deal with the Loss
Kids. Often, the loss of a pet is the first time a child faces death. Give them the facts and plenty of opportunity to talk through their feelings.
Seniors. Losing a pet hits seniors especially hard; they have all the feelings younger people do, but it's also a harsh reminder of their own mortality. Help them follow the above advice.
Pets. Surviving pets might refuse food or drink, or even moan or whimper. It could be because they miss the animal too, or because they pick up on your emotions. Be sure to maintain their usual routine — and a little extra attention wouldn't hurt, either.
Should You Get a New Pet Right Away?
Most experts advise against getting a new pet soon after the loss. While you may have a strong urge to fill that void, wait until you've worked through the grieving process so you are ready to build a new relationship with a new animal. If you simply must have an animal in the house during this time, consider fostering an animal from an animal shelter.
Resources
Cornell University College of Veterinary Medicine pet hotline
Catherine Fox lives in Virginia with her golden retriever Mo and enjoys happy memories of past pets including fish, three cats, hamsters, gerbils and three wonderful dogs.
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